Ghislaine Étoileur

Best Laid Plans

Daylight fills the room, and the noise at last begins to fade. A clear blue peeks in through the window and I can see Her there, even as the sun makes its rare appearance over this grey village.

I hadn’t planned for this, not any of it. But then I’ve always been quick on my feet, turning on my heels into the next plan if the first fell flat. Perhaps that’s where I left myself open, coming here with little more than ‘something else’ in mind. I can’t scheme my way through this, though.

My body aches, and it’s the most blissful, and real, I’ve ever felt.

I’m so afraid, starlight. You’re a stranger to me, even if you know me down to the faintest whisper. Goddess help us, I’ve done so much wrong, and to find myself here…

But there’s nothing wrong about it. Your tiny mouth slips from my breast, and you succumb to the hush as well, a precious life at home in my arms, beneath the beginnings of shining, dark curls and the same curve of my brow.

Gone are the silk draperies and soft instrumentals of the space I’d prepared, and instead I'm surrounded by those in whom, even a year ago, I could never have imagined putting my trust. Family… something we will both have to learn.

And when the midwife finally did arrive, she was shocked at your cries, the strength in your grip and every instinct, alive and well. You came according to plans all your own, it seems, and I’ve little else to do but be here for it. For you. Something else indeed.

Rest now, I’m told. But I cannot stop looking, stop feeling the ache and the warmth of your little body wrapped up in simple linen. You’re here, and so am I, in spite of everything I’ve done. Outside success and failure alike… that’s where we are, starlight.

Welcome home.