Khaeris Dawndancer

There She Is

My eyes open to the morning light and there she is.

Not literally, of course. But she’s there, somewhere; using my face, speaking with my voice, recalling my memories.  I blink and feel my chest tighten. Waking up has become waking up to her. She is often the last thoughts in long nights, and the first thoughts in the mornings now. Those quiet moments, lying still and coming to grips with the day seem to be heavy with the idea of coming to grips with her.

Why? How? I don’t have any answers. I’m conscious of my breath. Keeping it even. I don’t want to worry him. His hand on is on my hip, and I’m grateful for the weight of it and shift carefully back toward him, not wanting to disturb him. He’s not up yet, but I’m not sure if he’s sleeping. Unlikely. In my mind, I can hear his pledges and offers regarding her. He would do so much if I only asked.

I’m afraid of what I might ask.

What’s happening to me? Does she wonder the same thing? She must.

Will one of us die, like the elders say? If you see your doppelganger, one of you will die. A death omen.

Wouldn’t you know if you were the copy? No one knows. I spent a time paralyzed; eyes up to the sky and off the crowds. Now I move and smile and work and pretend I’m not still paralyzed on the inside.

I’m no one grand. I’ve made my mistakes. Is this my fault? Did I do this somehow? Is there a way to fix it? … What does that even mean, fixing it?

Bile rises in my throat as my stomach clenches and I get up without a word to him.

Who am I?

No one answers.

But I don’t want to die.